reality...? not.
ok so im back from japan and its an ultra late post-holiday blog post.
i am SO lazy to explain in detail the stuff we did.
anyway... we went to tokyo, then yamanashi, osaka, kyoto, nara, kobe, tokyo.
quite a learning experience. it was nice to soak in the culture too. but still i felt a little out of my comfort zone.
now i know that if you're going on a holiday with friends, only go with friends whom you trust 100% and know that they are reliable, or risk being forced to tour the place alone and with a sucky mood.
if only i could go with rish, lester, ivan and richie. it's kind of like a dream i have. hopefully we can go next year.
anyway, although my penpal was somewhat useful by accompanying us, he just followed me like a shadow and was terribly annoying and sticky. even when we suggested parting and allowing him to leave first he said he was worried and will not leave unless he sends us to the train station. i mean thats kind, but shouldnt you know your limits of stickiness? i am a person who REALLY hates people invading my private space and being unreasonably stubborn.
i am born a loner and i really hate people who stick to you 24/7.
anyway he was too annoying i couldnt get myself to contact him for the last 2 days, and after i came back he spammed messages which i blocked and he threatened to kill himself by posting comment on my other blog. anyway i advised him logically against it and just changed all my settings to receive no msges or comments. so, whatever.
i guess i have zero tolerance to annoying and irritating things. like, some people.
anyway, the guys there are hot, but i didnt see someone like miyavi. i guess miyavi is too outstanding. :)
shibuya shopping was good but i did most of my shopping there at the departmental stores cos they had aircon and had more variety i guess.
anyway shibuya hardly has standalone shops unless they are branded or whatsoever.
my favourite shopping haunt was harajuku. the main road is just a very long straight road and at the main area near the shrine, uraharajuku, has a heaven of unique shops complemented with lots of hair salons.
the matsumoto kiyoshi (jap version of watsons) was quite interesting too. i found out about it after the cosmetics girl for kose directed me there cos i was looking for sekkisei products. i ended up buying the sekkisei supreme range which is only in japan and im using it now. its really quite good so im gonna use vpost to order them through a jap website.
buying skincare is also quite a good experience cos they give u samples when u ask for them and even offer to check your skin's condition using some high tech thing.
tokyo has by far the best service ever. some shops in osaka, even the comme des garcons boutique there had really lousy service. like sg.
but tokyo's service was impressive. if you thank them after making ur payment they'll thank you back in a very loud voice.
anyway i really enjoyed the food there though they dont have as much variety as sg. after awhile it was the im gonna eat either don, noodles or fast food kind of thing.
i loved their 7-11 too. good service, and wonderland food and drinks. they even sell household brand cosmetics at conbini stores which are cheap and good but i never tried.
my other most favourite experience was the onsen at yamanashi. the futon was heaven. the room felt so cosy and nice and had a view overlooking a huge lake an fuji mountain, but it was cloudy then so we couldnt see it.
the weather there was very very cold and it was unbearable walking outside.
i remember sitting on the chair in our room, watching d.gray-man live on tv and munching on corn snacks, while wearing a yukata.
after that we had a kaiseki dinner fit for a king. then i went into the onsen. i waited till there was no one before i went in. saw mini fireworks set by a group of ppl near the lake.
the breakfast was an impressive kaiseki again. i think i'll go back to the same onsen, but the next time im gonna take the bus from tokyo station cos trains are troublesome and freaking exp to reach that area.
my luggage was also way too heavy; the next time im gonna carry a soft case luggage and buy my shampoo, soap and conditioner there cos its quite cheap and the bottles come in the smaller sizes. my skin got quite dry there too. my palms came back in terrible condition, partly due to moving my monstrous hard case luggage ard.
anyway it was a good idea to change all my money into yen cos the banks there change at exorbitant rates.
the temples at kyoto and nara were quite interesting too. would like to go back to nara and kyoto sometime. kyoto stn had this bakery with super good melon pan too, which were green.
kobe was kinda boring i felt that the mcdonalds there had one of the worst service.
anyway, the ppl at osaka are more open but you get harrassed more often. they dont look as good as tokyo ppl too.
i guess i still like tokyo alot. esp harajuku. you can walk on the street at look at ppl and ppl look at you and u dont get harrassed by them (only approached by staff from hair salons trying to get customers). its ultimately a catwalk heaven where i feel so at home. the roads are larger and less congested too so its good. cos in japan you cant stop walking on the streets suddenly, or ppl will bang into you. there are also very few public seats around.
everyone is walking, standing or climbing stairs. thats japan.
also, pls bring luggage that u can move properly by yourself, esp up long flights of stairs cos some places dont have elevators. i really regretted bringing hard case luggage. :(
i also really loved the ktv there. any jap song you're finding you'll probably find it.
free flow of drinks the whole time too. they have freetime at night from 12am to 5am for only around 18 dollars with free flow. *-*
the accessories there are NOT cheap btw and are hard to find.
the punk fashion there seems to exist only in established brand boutiques and harajuku only.
the cheapest shops seem to be uniqlo and muji.
osaka has some cheap shops selling t shirts too. yeah osaka shopping is really good.
more for the casual young vibe. some shops in tokyo are kind of... for older ppl.
i did quite a lot of shopping in osaka.
the ppl in japan are really nice and kind when you're looking for directions.
although they there are a tad cold cos its too busy there, i still like tokyo alot.
but then the pace of life is kind of fast for me.
i like sitting around nice places with enough space between people and just stoning around.
im not fond of overcrowding.
oh, my hairstylist was damn hot too. :)
oh yeah... i miss japan. but when you're there too long you do get a little bored cos its the same food choices and the same activities you're doing... but once you're back you feel like you can never get bored of it.
um...
don't know why i'm blogging now. it's probably just for the sake of it since i haven't updated for a long long time.
my japan trip is edging closer and closer. i can't believe it's already may in 2008. my mind is still in the jan-feb state. when you're working, the weeks fly like crazy. how come the weekend comes so fast? how come wed seems to be coming faster and faster?
my only worry now is changing my sgd to jpy. the rates at money changers are so rip off. but it seems difficult to change somewhere else.
if only the jpy would drop somemore... like to 0.0126. then i'd be able to change 200000 at 0.0128 at the money changer.
gah changing money is so troublesome. and i'll be getting my next pay on the 25. and i'm leaving in the wee hours of the morning on the 27th. i guess for that one i just have to change at a money changer. just thinking about how much sgd it would cost more makes me insane. even 1000yen (s$12.90) means soooo much money to me.
this is how poor i'm feeling.
i wonder if i'll exhaust all my funds on the 1st week of the trip.
i wonder if i'll end up spending too much at vivienne westwood, or overspending on food and nonsense stuff.
no... no way i'm gonna waste money on nonsense stuff (you know... those cute little erasers, useless stuff etc). my hard earned funds is solely for CLOTHES, ACCESSORIES AND SHOES!
i wonder if i should buy my vw accessories online since it's cheaper than in japan (even after shipping!)
and i'm so so so scared i'll fall sick during the trip.
and i'm so so so worried i'll get my *** on the onsen day. well... there's always a footsoak or something right?
there's always a way out. raine never fails to find a way out.
it's just a matter of time and how you find your solution.
sitting around worrying and moping and not doing anything is not like raine.
it's unacceptable.
oh gawd PLEASE let the jpy drop MORE!!!!!!
強さ。
i've seen all your antics before. in fact, i've seen the worst of them already.
the acting was so good, it was enough to fool me.
but this time i know.
no matter how real your eyes and actions are, i know they are all just an act. i won't be fooled again.
never ever.
the truth is, i know that you don't give a damn about me. you really don't care.
so why can't you just stop acting like you do? only sick people like you love to try to fling me around.
but it's ok.
as long as i'm not fooled again, i know i'm not gonna lose.
now, it's my turn to fool you.
i'm gonna make your head spin round and round.
until you feel the same pain as i did.
until you see how deep my wounds are.
my wounds are like bad skin, they have to be covered up perfectly with the best foudation.
i cover my wounds with my happy energy.
it's covered so well, no one can tell it's an act.
no one.
two people standing on opposite sides of a line.
we're probably just 2 steps away from it.
there is absolutely no way i'm going to cross it-ever.
but once you cross it, you lose, and you'll see my wounds.
your head will spin and your heart will tear.
like how mine did.
did you know the happier you think i am, the more my wounds hurt?
but i guess you'd be better off not knowing.
i can tell you're hesitating. you thought you could win this game.
but i know deep inside you're hestitating to cross the line.
both of us are taking a step back...
but maybe we're lying to ourselves and eventually the chemistry push us a step forward again.
let's put a stopper to our emotions, shall we?
for the sake of happiness.
歩き続く。
for the first time, without lying to myself, i've stood up and started walking. not blindly.
to where i have to idea, but i'm just walking straight for now. i'll see where the path takes me first.
i don't need the weak me. there is only the strong me. in this world there is no need for the weak.
although humans are all born weak, they become strong.
no matter what happens, there is no point in remaining at the same place when you are not happy.
everyone seeks happiness - that's what makes people walk.
for some reason miyavi's music gives me direction. his lyrics are full of indifference to failures... full of hope. its consoling just to listen to them. i shall buy his next album!!!!!! :)
i don't want to show the people around me a bad face.
i want to give as many smiles i can to people who make me happy.
even though there is no love inside me. there is nothing, but the strength to find my purpose.
i watched koizora with rish erika serene and lester the other day.
yeah it was a soppy drama love story. sweet, innocent and sad love.
for some reason the movie seemed too sad there were sniffing heard throughout the movie. rish and lester asked me if i cried and i said no. they couldn't figure out why.
i guess only i know the reason.
lost
why didn't i listen to tiffany? because i wanted an answer.
yeah i got my answer. and i can't seem to accept it no matter how i convince myself. how can you say those emotions i saw in your eyes were lies?
how can you pretend nothing happened even though........
are you lying to yourself? am i lying to myself? why the hell do i keep making foolish excuses for people who don't give a damn about me? why can't i accept that all those emotions i saw were actually lies? why don't you say anything? you have nothing to say?
i don't understand.
now i'm so lost i have nothing to rely on but to pretend i'm feeling nothing at all. the heart you've stabbed a million times is drained of blood; there isn't any heart left to stab this time.
it's already gone even if i tried getting it back. get it back? that's impossible.
it's so hilarious i don't know how to react at all.
i hate it that i'm so imperfect. no matter what i do, i always ask myself, why am i still not good enough? why do i need to feel accepted? why do i care?
because... i don't want to be alone.
i can't find anything to live for now. someone once said, if you don't know why you're living, you should just die. but that's just wrong isn't it? you shouldn't throw it away so easily.
where am i going? i have absolutely no idea.
i think i need someone to give me directions.
but everyone's busy walking their own path. they wouldn't know where to point me even if i asked.
i can't ask anyone...
i can't find the answer.
where should i go?
if i walk straight where do i go?
if i walk anywhere else will i regret?
i can't find hope.
i can't understand affections anymore.
why do people around me do things for me? yet ask nothing in return?
why do people give me presents? it isn't just because it's a birthday?
why do they care?
i can't understand........
nobody can hear my cries of help because it can't reach my mouth. i don't know how to.
... i'm completely lost.
cold and numbed
as i keep working... i think less about stupid stuff. all my energy is focused on work and beauty.
after work i'm so tired of smiling i just carry the stoniest face i can make. soon enough i'm always wearing the stoniest face except when i'm working. because i'm so tired i also don't really think too much about stupid stuff.
with time i just become colder. even when i listen to those songs which i used to feel so sad, now its just nothing. nothing at all. i don't feel anything.
the stoniness penetrates within.
my heart is totally... non-existent.
funny, sometimes i think. why it feels so weird. perhaps its the fear of stepping past the line. the fear that you can never feel again.
i have always emulated paine and kadaj who are so calm, cool and unfeeling yet so beautiful, it makes you wonder in awe and amazement.
and now it seems as if i've taken a step closer to them. wesley pointed out that there are ppl looking at me when we're out in town. i have always ignored it, but because he pointed it out i've realised it myself.
even today after work while i was walking to the bus stop. everyday...
it's not bragging.
i know they are looking at me. but they always look at me and i ignore them. whatever.
the only kind of people who deserve my looks are those who just have a different air about them.
the same air as paine and kadaj. who make you stare at them in awe and amazement.
isn't it good? but it feels like i'm losing my humanity.
but i know i'll never love. so what am i losing? the blind hope that i can one day love?
what if i meet keita and don't feel love?
...then i wouldn't be able to love anyone at all.
i'm afraid. is ignorance bliss? we can all have the benefit of the doubt. that there is... that someone there, waiting to meet you.
if i look real deep within, i know for sure i have never TRULY liked bala. it was so superficial. because we don't even know each other.
but why do i think of him?
because i was hoping for......so why does it hurt? it hurts because the fog cleared and i can see everything so clearly.
it hurts because i was disappointed. i was deceived.
the more you're deceived and abandoned, the more you hate and the more empty you feel. the colder you become because you are drained of warmth.
soon you realise you don't even recognise the warmth.
"...what is this feeling?"
......the hope that someone comes to rescue you.even though you blatantly know that no one will ever come.
no matter what.
幸せって？
this year seems to be much much much better than last year. in fact, i think last year was one of my worst ever. the only good thing that happened was that i passed my jlpt 2.
to list out, my grandmother passed away on new year's day. so we also couldnt celebrate cny.
then once school started it was nothing but exams after exams. my mother bought me quite some cosmetics, including one $90+ kose whitening essence, which i broke after using 3/4 of it. managed to salvage some of the remains though.
then during the june holidays i only kept watching anime, then it was block test 2 again. after that it was prelims, then A's already. throughout june to dec, it just mass camping at spinelli. yeah and that harrowing experience of bala. man i still hate him. i can't say why here. it'll make me sound fucking pathetic.
but the only bad experience of last year which still haunts me is him.
but if i see you again, i really won't know how to react.
yeah if i see you again, i might strangle you.
i'll probably ignore you to hide my feelings.
i might give u a death stare till it burns a hole in you.
i might just stare expressionlessly at you like you did at me.
will i even run away?
will i confront you?
i don't know. just don't let me see you again. although i really wish that you'd appear in my shop.
but i wouldn't know how to react.
i think i'll just see your reaction first. 5 seconds is enough for me to choose my reaction.
...just disappear, won't you?
i hope the next guy i like will come by very very soon.
so i can have you replaced.
man i can't wait for my next pay. it'll probably be 900+ to 1k after cpf.
but i gotta save every single cent for japan.
but i so wanna buy lots of beauty products. i wanna buy kose soap. i wanna buy shu uemura whitening ex foundation. i wanna buy shu uemura blush. i wanna buy........ more whitening stuff lol.
i wanna go japan now. seems sooo long. haven't even gotten down to start doing my portfolio. i'm still a little undecided if i should take fashion design. the thought of how much suffering and hard work i have to put in is a major depressant. makes me wanna take fashion management instead, but i'll probably be bored and regret not taking fashion design.
sigh.
i wanna complete my ff8. i wanna sleep more. i wanna have more money.. shop more............
what is happiness really?
to have all your wants satisfied? or needs?
but satisfying your needs doesn't make you happy isn't it? but how can anyone satisfy all their wants? perhaps i won't ever be happy enough.
lv
miraculously i got the lv job. they called me 1 day after submitting the resume. i went through 2 interviews, 1 by hr then another by the dfs store manager. not really interview, but more like a short briefing.
on the first day, i was wearing killer heels and my feet literally got murdered. then after work i straightaway went to buy another cheap pair from far east, but on the 2nd day of work when i wore it, my toes hurt like mad. so my mother gave me her new pair to wear, which was like a wedge. now i know, if you wanna get formal shoes to work, pls buy 1 size larger. or your feet will be massacred.
i felt the first 2 half days were quite insane, quite tough, but maybe because i was wearing unbearable shoes. but the first day was certainly stressful cos i almost didnt know anything and i haven't gone for the formal training class. i even seriously doubted if i made the wrong choice to work there. and how long i could stand working there.
but now it's ok. feels much better.
my colleagues are all very very helpful. they never ever say, 'don't disturb me now' or 'stop asking me so many questions'. there seems to be a not very very well liked older colleague among the staff though. known for stealing customers. but since i'm a part timer i don't really bother.
most of my colleagues are middle aged women, most have kids, and there are 3 younger girls and 1 young guy full timer and a guy supervisor who is quite entertaining.
i get to see japs, koreans and china ppl everyday. sometimes indonesians. and of cos singaporeans.
the japs are the nicest of course, and they usually buy stuff. everyday i sell an average of 2 to 3 items. my lunch break is 1 hour so its good.
so... i'm quite happy now.
maybe i smile too much everyday until i don't know if i'm really happy or not.
but the image of his face is fading. the feelings are withering away. my memories are withering away. the hurt is gone, though there's a scar, but i'm almost cured.
just pretend you're happy, and you'll be very soon.
i like my ash black hair too. though it's fading to ash brown.
i'm earning money by getting good pay.
i'm saving for the japan shopping trip which is just in may.
i just recovered from some flu which was at its peak on my first day of work.
i earn money. i can finally eat what i want now.
i'm happy.
but my bro just reformatted my computer and now the speakers have no sound.
my uncle is gonna come during cny but thats SO damn bloody long. luckily my brother allowed me to watch anime on his computer the other day. or else i would have gone insane. i NEED anime. or i'll die.
richie and wesley seems interested to join lv but is still tentative. i hope they join dfs so i get more company. i hope xf finds a job in orchard so we can meet during break.
now i don't know what to say.
my heart is numb, that's for sure.
bazaar
i have finally finished working 2 consecutive bazaars at isetan scotts for maxmara-marina rinaldi-max & co., and ck calvin klein, from the 26th dec till 9th jan.
on the 27th, it was isetan's private sale and i had to work from 830 till 1030. the first 4 days of work was ultra tiring and my feet ached like mad. for me, when i'm too tired physically, i'll have nightmares when i sleep.
but now my feet are quite ok cos i've gotten used to working everyday with super long hours. the first bazaar had morn/afternoon shifts, but for some reason it was more tiring. maybe cos there were more stuff to be done. the second bazaar was full shift for all 7 days, 945 to 945. can't believe i'm still alive. i wanted to go clubbing after it ended cos it's ladies nite, but cos i was meeting amal only, we didn't go.
btw, it really pays to work at the bazaar. i bought a ck sweater at 10 when the original price was 299. there were only 2 pieces of that design and the 2nd one got sold alr. actually sweaters at the bazaar cost 40, but the boss gave me 10, though i think she gave her friends half price. maybe cos she sees that i'm still v young and haven't worked much, or maybe cos i was only buying 1 piece during the bazaar.
anyway, it was quite an experience. i was really able to meet the worst customers, especially during the first bazaar, where the customers were the unreasonable, psycho office ladies/cheapo aunties/obsessive china women. perhaps i've yet to see worse, but at least i've seen 'the bad' alr.
i can't wait for my pay. altogether it'll be 870+. i think i'll spend a max of 100 plus.
btw the club21 person has full time vacancies........ for ax paragon and ck wisma only.
nightmare come true. i was hoping not ax, kids 21 or those in dept stores, and she really gave me that. but cos all my colleagues fiercely advised me against going ck wisma, i'm left with ax paragon. i mean i don't really wanna work in ax, but cos it's the paragon one, i'm quite ok with it since i got no other choice.
ytd i found a job ad posted just ytd by lv. so i sent my resume and i'm still waiting for them to call... but i think they won't be calling..? anyway maybe i'll wait till fri or mon before i confirm the ax job.
assuming after cpf i get basic pay 900 per mth(assuming no commission), plus the 700 for the bazaar jobs, by end may i'll get 4x900 + 700 = 4300. that's a real comfortable amt to bring to japan. if my mother pays for lodging and airfare (1k), about 80 will go to transport, and if i spend 40 on food everyday, that will be 4300-480, which is about 3800 left for shopping alone!!!!!!!!!!!
i think i'll go on an unstoppable VW shopping spree once i reach harajuku.
i'll probably buy a versatile bag which costs abt 800, a wallet which costs about 300, and.... necklace about 300... ring about 400... thats gonna be almost 2k!!!!!! omg. but it's ok right. i mean 1800 left for streetwear shopping should be enough. considering i buy 15 tops which costs 40 = 600, shoes about 300, bottoms and outerwear about 600, and 300 for accessories like jewellery, hats/scarves/rings...
WOOHOO! can't stop thinking about mad shopping sprees in tokyo. =DDDDD
throughout the bazaar period i haven't been back to the cafe once, and for some reason i've been dreaming almost everyday about him, even though i don't really miss him that much. sometimes i think about him, but part of me says it's over and it's time to start walking and not go back anymore. even so, i still keep having weird dreams of him in different scenarios.
but whatever. it's against my principles to wait like a fool for so long for someone who doesn't reciprocrate.
my heart is still in pieces and the sewn up wounds keep reopening, but i always assure myself that there is no more heart in my chest for any more imaginary feelings....... i'm fine. as long as i believe the pain will dissipate someday, i can keep going on.
so if i get the full time job, they'll probably make me work 6 days, so i think i'll have to quit the cafe job. anyway i have this inclination he prefers me as a customer than someone working there..
who was he?
i don't know.
...i don't remember now.
2008...
it's the first of jan and it doesn't feel any different.
but 2007 was a shitty year cos my whole year was spent on a levels and jlpt1. and a roller coaster bala ride.
people celebrate the new year in belief that it will be a better year than the one before.
but years are merely a time unit humans created to simplify the explanation of their lifespan. to me, new year or old year or not, it doesn't matter. my lifespan feels fluid and not segmented.
i just want to finish the journey...
since it's the new year, might as well do some resolutions! after all, i'm finally released from the chains of boring school life (with uniforms).
- lose weight
- top of everyone's list isn't it...
- pass my piano exam!!!
- pass jlpt 1!
- onegai!!! i don't wanna take again on the stupid standard chartered run day for the 123817986989587th time...
- get satisfactory results for a levels
- just so that the cert looks ok...
- manage to enter lasalle's fashion design
- with the portfolio i haven't started on... totally clueless can...
- earn about 3k to 4k for japan trip in april/may
- yeah yeah i'm working my ass off now alr just to get $800+ T_T
- buy enough clothes, accessories, shoes and a vivienne westwood wallet and bag in japan to replace 99% of my waredrobe...
- shop somemore in sg when not in japan
-art students need extensive waredrobes yeah...
eh my converse shoes gonna fall apart any moment alr... drag too long yet still can't find a satisfactory pair. found a glittery high cut limited ed pair at far east but i don't really like high cut...
- club more
-duh! as we get older we need to bear more stress, painful memories and regret... need an outlet or i'll go insane
- have better skin
- save more la...
-my bank account always less than 10 bucks inside one... makes me wonder how i survived!
- find a new love interest who's 100x hotter than bala and who's interested too.
-yeah who needs bala. so last year. wut a waste of my time. it's ok since the time (last year) wasn't so precious...
yeah thats it. can't really think of more.
there were fireworks at midnight. to most people, watching fireworks makes them feel happy. for some reason, hearing or watching fireworks makes me feel melancholic and nostalgic.
i think i have too many regrets and grievances which prevent my wounds from healing completely. they just keep reopening. maybe cos my heart is still in pieces so i am pretending there's a empty hole in my heart where it used to be...
